I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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