i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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