BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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