We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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