If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
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I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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