I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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