i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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