Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize