I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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