just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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