Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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