I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
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I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
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he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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