omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
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Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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