I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blew my weed a kiss
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize