Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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