my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
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Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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