Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They are going to name an STD after you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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