3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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