One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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