If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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