Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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