thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
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Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just want to make out with him forever
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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