True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm having to shit out rocks
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