bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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