I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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