mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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