So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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