I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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