You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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