I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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