final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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