Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
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I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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