If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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