Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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