I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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