This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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