apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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