My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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