I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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