i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
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So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize