And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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