pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
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He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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