i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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