real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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