I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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