dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
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Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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