Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I want her autograph on my taint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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