she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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