I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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