i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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